I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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