I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
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