the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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