So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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