Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
