nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina