Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit