she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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