She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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