apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
That's when you crack a 10am beer
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
