My nipple is on Facebook.
wanna go halves on a baby?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize