You're my little dorito
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Randomize
