You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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