It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
