I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
