Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
