i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
