she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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