sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
the liver wants what the liver wants
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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