Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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