all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
