If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
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