I can text with my tongue
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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