Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
