ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
