and you said cock pushups were impossible
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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