Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
