I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
