my phone needs a breathalizer
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
The power of my boobs compel you
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
