So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
