I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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