He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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