i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
