the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
