call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
