They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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