I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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