well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
