that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I DEMAND FORESKIN
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize