end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
