We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
