hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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