Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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