The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
BRING THE BAGELS
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
