I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
as a side note pls kill me
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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