I am spending my child support on dildos
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
