I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Drake has all the answers
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
