My cat gives me a boner
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
