I wish I could teleport
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
