Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I think I sprained my soul last night
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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