I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
