I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
