Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
