I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
