M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
