My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
