Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
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