You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I looked at my own cervix.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
