I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
