Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Two words: blizzard sex
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
