My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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