he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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